Laurel and Hardy and Iggy
March 18, 2011 Leave a comment
Yes. Of course. Laurel and Hardy meet Iggy Pop. Iggy sings “The Passenger.” And Stan and Ollie dance!
A bad case of senior-itis?
August 28, 2010 Leave a comment
I guess we might be talking about a double-edged sword — I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
If I do complain, I run the risk of sounding like a grumpy old man. If I don’t complain, then I won’t be able to bring to light this ridiculous, ludicrous, preposterous, all-the-other-ouses notion that people fifty years old and older are SENIOR CITIZENS.
That latest example of this outrageous assertion: A National Public Radio piece on how there’s been a remarkable spike in the past few years in participation in online social networking (i.e., Facebook) by seniors AGE FIFTY AND OLDER.
You know what I have to say about that?
NO. FRIGGIN’. WAY.
Also:
SHUT UP.
My mother is 78 years old. She is a senior citizen.
Here’s a photo of me.
Is this the face of a senior citizen? (and you’d better give the correct answer)
Here’s a photo of a real senior citizen:
OK? Are we clear on this?
The blame, of course, can be placed squarely on the shoulders of the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP), which made a really smart decision when it decided that it couldn’t focus all its attention on true senior citizens, who can be expected to die off at the usual semi-rapid senior-citizen pace. So AARP wisely decided to focus on pre-senior citizens and trying to cultivate interest among those still young and vibrant folks an interest in issues they would face when they someday became senior citizens — in, say, about thirty years.
Somehow, though, that smart marketing notion was mutated horribly into the notion that people AGE 50 AND OLDER are defined as senior citizens.
OK, here’s the rule of thumb we are all going to follow from now on. Age 65, technically you’re a senior citizen because you can collect Social Security. The reality, thanks to the still vibrant vibe of the baby boomer generation just now settling into their ergonomic-design rocking chairs, is that old fogie-ness probably begins at about age 75 — reach that age and beyond, then you just have to face facts: You’re old!
In these modern times, someone who reaches the age of fifty is NOT anywhere near being a senior citizen.
So here’s one last warning: Anyone who disagrees had better not come anywhere near me — or run the risk of having me whack you in the kneecap with my goddamned cane.
Night (and day) of the iguana
April 9, 2010 4 Comments
Seen on the street in Yonkers this morning, right there in plain sight, right there in the gutter: a BIG dead green lizard, which (not being a lizard expert) I’m guessing was someone’s escaped or discarded pet — perhaps an iguana. I looked at the dead lizard and had an epiphany…a realization…an awareness…
I thought: “Never in my life have I ever seen a dead lizard, in the gutter, in the morning, in the streets of Yonkers…”
Another reason to R-E-S-P-E-C-T Sarah Palin
March 11, 2010 1 Comment
Her voice sounds like music to my ears. So why was I surprised by this latest revelation about the amazing Sarah Palin?
One of the all-time classic music videos shows a very young Aretha Franklin, circa late 1960s, as she sings “R-E-S-P-E-C-T.” Watch — and enjoy — the video. But watch Aretha’s lips as she sings:
Yes! You noticed it too! Aretha’s not singing! She’s lip-synching to a recording!
And now the truth has been revealed. Aretha was interviewed the other night on Larry King’s show on CNN and admitted that she had a sudden case of laryngitis on the morning of this performance. So a phenomenal young singer, only about 10 years old, was recruited to sing the classic Otis Redding-penned song.
And, yes, the Queen of Soul revealed that the 10-year-old anonymous songstress was none other than our very own Sarah Palin!
What can I say except…
Sarah, thank you for putting your singing career on the back burner and putting America on the front burner. Sarah, I believe I speak not just for myself but for all Americans when I say: You will always have our R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
Little Sarah Palin
March 4, 2010 2 Comments
Some of you have asked if I was surprised when Sarah Palin became governor of Alaska and then ran for vice president of the United States and then became a Fox News commentator. Was I surprised? You betcha! I mean, who wouldn’t be surprised? After all, this is little Sarah Palin, the cute and spunky little girl with the big eyeglasses who sat next to me in my kindergarten class at P.S. 9 in my old hometown of Yonkers, New York.
Not only did Sarah sit next to me in her little desk right alongside my own little kindergarten desk. She also lay down next to me at nap time when our teacher, Miss Crabtree, instructed us all to roll out our mats and take a 10-minute nap to rest up after our busy morning of learning the alphabet, learning to count, and learning to get along with all of the other kids.
You probably guessed, though, that Sarah didn’t nap. Sure, she rolled out her mat when Miss Crabtree told us to. But then Sarah just sprawled out on her back, eyes wide open, resting the back of her head on her arms, and just gazed up at the ceiling through those big designer eyeglasses, and smiled that big smile we’ve all come to know and love.
It occurs to me now that little Sarah Palin was smiling because she already knew that someday she would move to Alaska and become governor and then run for vice president and then become a Fox commentator and then maybe someday become the first woman president even though all of the so-called smart people thought the first woman president would be Hillary Clinton.
I’m thinking that I actually played a role in a somewhat historic event…It may well be that the first time Sarah ever winked that famous wink, she winked at me! Except she was probably thinking about the great life she had ahead of her — while I thought she was flirting!
Long story short, after nap time it was finger painting time, so we all put on our painting smocks and stepped up to our easels. Miss Crabtree looked at Sarah’s finger painting creation — the entire sheet was covered with gray paint — and asked Sarah was it was called. I’ll never forget Sarah’s reply: “Gee whiz, Miss Crabtree, can’t you tell”! It’s a close-up of a gray elephant!!”
That’s when Sarah winked at me. I melted faster than a glacier in the Bering Sea.
My own big sheet of paper was slathered with red paint. Miss Crabtree asked, “Nicky, what’s the name of your painting?” I replied, “Red.”
But what it was really called, although I was just too shy to say it, was “Valentine for Little Sarah Palin.”
Little Sarah Palin… Politically precocious. My first crush. Killer wink.
Sarah Palin’s just all over the map
February 24, 2010 2 Comments
I don’t know about all of you, but I haven’t been able to break away from watching the live hearings being televised on C-SPAN as Alaska legislators debate the proposal to rename their state in honor of Sarah Palin.
The debate, in case you haven’t been following this, isn’t over whether to change the state’s name. Everyone’s in agreement on that — of course!
The argument is over whether to change the name of Alaska to PALINSKA or PALASKA.
I think it’s a no-brainer. Think about it. What gets Sarah Palin really mad? When she sees all of those fat cats in Washington, D.C, our nation’s capital, spending our money like it’s their money and like you and I have magic wallets or pocketbooks that just keep making more and more greenbacks, right? Ten thousand dollar toilets? Health care for everyone? Spending zillions of dollars on alternative energy when there’s tons of oil right there under those melting glaciers up there in Alaska?
So it really comes down to money. If “Alaska” becomes “Palinska” that will require changing “Ala” to “Palin,” which involves a total of eight letters, which would have to be changed on every single map, in every single book, on every “Greetings from Alaska” postcard, and every single “Welcome to Alaska, Where Sarah Palin’s From” sign. Eight letters to change in every single place Alaska is mentioned. Lots of money we can’t afford to spend.
On the other hand, change the name of Alaska to “Palaska” and there’s only the one letter “P” to add. Way cheaper.
So, come on, Alaska legislators! Stop arguing. Just look at these two maps. Here’s what the map looks like now:
And here’s what it should look like after you all stop arguing:
Case closed! Welcome to Palaska!
Sarah Palin’s visit is one for the books
February 23, 2010 1 Comment
Note: Traffic on this site soars whenever I mention Sarah Palin. So I’ve decided to write something about her at least once a week. Here’s this week’s Sarah Palin report:
Faithful readers of “World of Wonders” know that I posted several entries in recent weeks about the Feb. 20 grand opening of friend Steven Hart’s bookstore, Nighthawk Books, in Highland Park, N.J. Well, the event went as well as I hoped it would — and then some!
Hundreds of people visited Steve’s store during the course of the day-long celebration.
AND….Sarah Palin made a surprise appearance!
What else can I say? Two weeks ago I reported seeing Sarah out of the New Jersey Turnpike, probably on her way to some high-paying speaking engagement, but instead saying “Well, the heck with that! I’m going to forget about that high-paying speaking engagement and help people dig their cars out of the snow!” One week ago I reported on Sarah’s amazing ice-skating performance at the Olympics up there in Canada (which is the country next to Alaska).
And now here was Sarah Palin — a highly educated woman who I believe actually attended something like six colleges but probably isn’t much of a reader because she’s so busy trying to probably become president – stopping at my friend’s bookstore to show her support for what she described in her impromptu speech at the ribbon-cutting ceremony as her “support of Mom-and-Pop type businesses and also this amazing bookstore run by Steve Hart that is filled with so many books that it makes you realize that there’s lots and lots of books you probably will never find the time to read, gosh darn it, but it’s good to know they’re there in case you feel like reading a book…”
Thanks, Sarah, for supporting my friend’s new independent bookstore — and for so graciously signing my second-hand copy of “Call of the Wild” by Jack London.
P.S. Yes, I’ll tell you what Sarah wrote: “To Nicholas DiGiovanni — Stop by and visit us next time if you’re ever up there in Alaska. Signed, Sarah Palin” And no, in case any of you were thinking about it, the book is not for sale!
Sarah rises to the occasion
February 17, 2010 3 Comments
Note: Traffic on this site soars whenever I mention Sarah Palin. So I’ve decided to write something about her at least once a week. Here’s this week’s Sarah Palin report:
She’s been a mayor. She’s been a governor. She’s been a candidate for vice president. She may try to become the actual president. And she’s already a TV commentator on the “fair and balanced” news channel, even though she’s never been an actual journalist. So I’m already impressed, right?
But then I’m at the gym this morning, and I’m watching TV while pedaling on the stationary bicycle, and the “Today” show people are broadcasting from the Winter Olympics in Calgary and showing highlights of the previous night’s competition, and wouldn’t you know it…
There’s Sarah Palin competing in the figure-skating competition and completing the first-ever triple quadruple quintuple camel axel topped off by a 30-foot-high Salchow jump ( I though she was going to hit her head on the roof of the ice rink!) and concluding with a 5-minute death spin done in perfect sync with a speeded-up recording of Ravel’s “Bolero.”
How did Sarah Palin not win the gold medal? My guess is that the Russians paid off the judges. But in my heart and in my soul, I know Sarah was the real winner – because Sarah Palin already has a heart of gold, which is way more important than any Winter Olympics gold medal, gosh darn it.
Sarah Palin to the rescue!
February 11, 2010 3 Comments
One of the highest-traffic days ever for “Nicholas DiGiovanni’s World of Wonders” was a day during the presidential campaign when I wrote a satirical piece suggesting that Sarah Palin’s presence on the GOP ticket as the vice-presidential candidate was actually the fulfillment of the Book of Revelation’s apocalyptic vision as described in the secret message revealed by the opening of the Seventh Seal.
There were hundreds upon hundreds of page views and visitors (many of whom, I’m certain, thought the piece was factual, not satirical).
What did I learn?
One, that I guess I misread the Book of Revelation’s signs — Sarah didn’t get elected.
Two, I can draw many readers to my Web site (and its thought-provoking and eclectic mix of literary essays, humor pieces, cultural commentaries and original fiction) by once a week posting stuff I make up about Sarah Palin, who’s still out there running for something or other.
So here’s this week’s Sarah Palin report:
I rode out yesterday’s near-blizzard in New Jersey at a hotel located within a few hundred feet of the New Jersey Turnpike. At the height of the storm, I looked out at traffic crawling along that highway, saw a number of vehicles stranded in the breakdown lane — and there was SARAH PALIN, I’m assuming on the way to some Tea Party speaking engagement, and she was helping people dig out their cars and pushing them out of roadside snowbanks. She probably does stuff like this all the time when she’s up there in Alaska, but nevertheless it was really nice of her to take time off from her busy schedule to help people who were stranded by the snowstorm in New Jersey. She may actually have saved a few lives! I’m sure Sarah will be really low-key about her heroine-ism, but I think she deserves recognition.
It’s Todd’s Show! (And two of my friends are in it!)
April 15, 2009 2 Comments
They’re my comrades, colleagues, collaborators, co-conspirators: Laura Swanson and Keith Strunk, founders and principals of the great River Union Stage theater troupe in Frenchtown, work with me on the annual Delaware Valley Poetry Festival. Both are extremely talented practitioners of the thespian arts — acting, directing, producing, stage design, lighting, sound, you name it they do it, including an extremely funny episode from the increasingly popular and absolutely hilarious Web series titled “It’s Todd’s Show.”
The show features two talking dogs and their interesting opinions of the humans they are forced to deal with in their lives.
Here’s the link to the episode starring Keith and Laura:
After you watch the hilarious performance by Keith and Laura (actually Keith isn’t acting — that’s the way he is in real life), go to the show’s Web site, click on the video tab, and find the short clip of the laughing dog, which will either creep you out or leave you in hysterics, just like the dog — and just like me.
