Look, I’m no fool, as readers of this Web site may or may not attest.
I can read and interpret statistics, especially when they pertain to me. So the way I interpret the hundreds of visits to my Web site to read a blog entry I posted last week about the impending visit by a space ship operated by the Federation of Light is that it’s in my best interests to write ANOTHER entry about the visit by the Federation of Light.
Which is supposed to happen today, when a huge spacecraft is predicted to appear in the skies over ALABAMA and stay there for three days and three nights.
Look, I’m no fool. I know that the day’s half done and so far no flying saucers have been reported over Alabama. I checked both CNN and Fox News, and neither one reported the arrival of the Federation’s ship.
But I also realize that the day’s still young. It’s too early to mock all of the folks who actually believed the message delivered by the seeress Blossom Goodchild.
So I’m hedging my bets. I’ve written two comments, and I’ll use the appropriate one after we see what happens today in Alabama.
Here’s the first one:
Dear Blossom Goodchild:
You do, realize, of course, that you’re totally what we used to call a space cadet? What do you say for yourself now that tens of thousands of gullible people who heard and believed your message are out on the street, have cashed in what’s left of their meager retirement nest eggs, are fearful about the future, and were looking to you and the Federation for….
Wait a minute. Wrong message. That’s the letter I planned to send to President Bush and The Congress…But you get my drift…
Here’s the second letter I’ve prepared:
Dear Great Leaders of the Federation of Light:
Welcome to our planet. Please understand that my previous feeble attempts at humor and satire — which you with your much greater intelligence easily understood to be thinly veiled mockery of you and your beautiful daughter and wise messenger Blossom Goodchild — were the product of my ignorance, not my disrespect, O great rulers, O great lords of the universe to whom I bow in gratitude for your decision to not incinerate me instantly with your death ray, I offer all praise and humbly remain…
Your obedient servant,
If the Federation of Light spaceships do not appear in the skies over (of all the places they could choose why would they choose) Alabama, then chances are excellent you’ll be reading something I’ve written about my daughter’s poodle, Noodle, and what Noodle has to do with the embarassing fact that yesterday I actually went to see the movie “Beverly Hills Chihuahua.”
If, on the other hand, Blossom Goodchild was right, and assuming I have not been vaporized by a heat ray, I will be here tomorrow with a much more detailed commentary and explanation of why I ashere without question all of the teachings and obey without hesitation all instructions from the great and wise leaders of The Federation of Light.