It’s like Jimmy Durante, say, tried to croon “Try a Little Tenderness.” It’s like, um, Screaming Jay Hawkins tried singing “Do-Re-Mi” from “The Sound of Music.” It’s like, er, Andrea Boccelli trying to sing “Run, Run, Rudolph.” It’s like, um, Bob Dylan trying to sing “Moon River.” OK, it’s very much like Bob Dylan singing Henry Mancini’s song from “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”
I’m talking about the not-an-urban-legend reports that the old elf himself has, indeed, recorded an album of Christmas songs. The album, due out soon, is titled “Christmas in the Heart.” All proceeds from the album’s sales will go to the charity Feeding America.
Would I lie to you about anything having to do with Christmas? No, Virginia. In fact, here’s the actual album cover:
And here’s the track list….imagine Santa Bob singing these Yuletide tunes: Here Comes Santa Claus, Do You Hear What I Hear?, Winter Wonderland, Hark The Herald Angels Sing, I’ll Be Home For Christmas, Little Drummer Boy, The Christmas Blues, O Come All Ye Faithful (Adeste Fideles), Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas, Must Be Santa, Silver Bells, The First Noel, Christmas Island, The Christmas Song, O Little Town Of Bethlehem.
At the top of my I-can-wait-to-hear this list: Dylan singing the “barump-bum-bum-bum” part of “Little Drummer Boy,” Dylan singing the “kids dressed up like Eskimos” part of “The Christmas Song,” and Dylan singing “the ding-a-ling/hear them ring” part of “Silver Bells.”
In fact, I think the great Dylan may have found yet another way to surprise us the way he’s surprised his fans during a nearly 50-year career filled with unexpected twists and turns. I think he should consider putting out a karaoke album — who wouldn’t want a chance to sing their very own karaoke making-believe-I’m-as-cool-as Dylan rendition of, um, “Desolation Row? How about a polka album with a Jimmy Sturrs-type take on, say, “All Along the Watchtower?” Or how about recording some children’s songs? Wait, he’s done that already. Here’s Uncle Bob singing for all of you red-diaper great-grandbabies:
Dylan singing “The First Noel?” Next thing you know, Porky Pig’s going to try to sing Elvis Presley’s “Blue Christmas.”