I am addicted to Fig Newtons. It’s an addiction I cannot explain. I have no particular childhood memory associated with the eating of a Fig Newton. For example, despite rumors to the contrary, it’s not true that one year my poor parents couldn’t afford to buy me a birthday cake so instead put a single Fig Newton on a paper plate and stuck a candle in it and sang “Happy Birthday” while I blew out the candle and made a wish for more Fig Newtons..
(I should say, before I get to my real point, that these snack-food musings were inspired by my discovery just today that Fig Newtons were invented in NEWTON, Massachusetts, which isn’t far from where I currently reside. It’s kind of like a diehard baseball fan living in the vicinity of Cooperstown or a space-exploration buff living right near Cape Canaveral or….you get the idea…)
My point? For some reason, I have no problems with the cupcake people who messed around with Yankee Doodles and created a new yerllow-cake version Sunny Doodles. Likewise, I think Honey Nut Cheerios are a perfectly fine deviation from the classic cereal.
But where I start having problems is when I’m strolling along the supermarket cereal aisle and I spot something like Chocolate Chex. There’s Rice Chex, there’s Wheat Chex and there’s Corn Chex. That’s the holy trinity of Chex. Multigrain Chex I can live with, since I assume it’s a blend of the three classic Chex. But Chocolate Chex?
Carrying this thought a bit further — and finally getting to the point: Fig Newtons should be made from figs. Strawberry Newtons? Cherry Newtons? Grape Newtons? Blueberry Newtons? Apple Newtons? LOW-FAT Newtons?
This is still America, right? I propose that all of us Fig Newton addicts/lovers gather in Newton, Mass., to demand that Nabisco return to its roots, eliminate all of these fancy flavored Newtons, and focus entirely on the manufacture of plain old perfect original Fig Newtons. Here’s what I propose we call our protest movement: Occupy Newton.Yes, I know Fig Newtons are no longer made in Newton. I also know that when I was kid watching Saturday morning cartoons there were commercials for Fig Newtons with this slogan: “Yer darn tootin’, I like Fig Newtons.” And I know that nearly $15 million was spent last year to advertise Fig Newtons, according to the Fig Newtons entry on Wikipedia.
So…here’s how we can end this standoff.
If Nabisco agrees to set aside, say, just 1 percent of their $15 million advertising budget to put me on their payroll, I’ll call off the Occupy Newton protests and write something nice EVERY SINGLE DAY about Fig Newtons, especially if the Nabisco folks find it in their hearts to inspire me by sending me the occasional box of complimentary free samples of Fig Newtons.
Am I a reasonable person? Yer darn tootin’!