Sarah Palin, Bob Dylan and the Federation of Light (and, oh, did I mention the Apocalypse?)

OK. I admit it. My name is Nicholas D. and I am addicted to continually checking to see how many daily, weekly and monthly visits have been recorded by the ever-increasing legion of fans who faithfully read World of Wonders.

OK. I’m indulging in a bit of hyperbole. “Legion” might be a stretch and “fans” might be overstating my case. But I started this blog and this Web site just about three months ago, and all I can say is I’ll be damned — hundreds and hundreds of people have found this site and taken the time to read my writing, and the number (and this I’m not exaggerating) of visitors has ALREADY DOUBLED for the month of October.

Doubled? Doubled! How did that happen? I’d like to think it has something to do with a spreading public perception that I’m a provocative, witty, entertaining and shockingly under-published writer of essays and fiction.

But I also know that whenever I write about certain topics, search-engine generated visits soar. A lot of people google various terms and expressions and topics related to death, for example. A decent number of people have found my site when they looking for information about my old hometown of Yonkers, N.Y.  A lot of “hits” have resulted when I wrote about the great singer and activist Pete Seeger or when I’ve described my travels in the great state of Vermont.

But four topics have proven to be the hottest topics of all: Bob Dylan, UFO visits by the Federation of Light, Sarah Palin and the Book of Revelation’s description of the Apocalypse. Anytime I mention one of those topics, I generate hundreds more visits to my Web site.

So that’s why it’s incredibly fortunate that I just happened be browsing the Web and found this news report that I’m sure everyone’s already talking about:

Sarah Palin has announced that she’s left Todd Palin, and is moving out of their home in Alaska, and is moving to Malibu to live with her new boyfriend Bob Dylan. What’s more, when Bob Dylan and Sarah Palin held a joint conference this morning in Alabama, where Dylan was performing and Palin was campaigning, they also announced that Palin had been appointed ruler “of Alaska and Russia and all of the rest of those other countries that I know are out there” by the leaders of our great alien masters, the Federation of Light, and that Dylan had been give the job of writing the new world anthem.  Palin also added, and I quote,”Thanks to the great folks with the Federation of Light, and I’d specifically like to mention Andy the Alien and Eddie the E.T. and Ray the Ray Gun Operator, those great alien mavericks, we’ve also managed to postpone what would have been the Apocalypse if we hadn’t complied with our alien friends of the Federation of Light!”

Don’t believe me? Can thousands of readers of Nicholas DiGiovanni’s World of Wonders be wrong?

O great leaders of the Federation of Light…

Yesterday I posted a brief commentary on Blossom Goodchild and the Federation of Light, and the former’s prediction that spaceships operated by the latter would appear over Alabama on Tuesday.

I noted, about halfway through the day Tuesday, that the federation’s spaceship had not yet arrived, and so was hedging my bets — I wrote one commentary for use if and when the Federation’s starfleet failed to appear and another for use if and when the Federation’s starfleet did indeed appear.

What’s more, I promised my faithful readers, that if the Federation of Light visit predicted by Blossom Goodchild did indeed take place, I would, as they say here on the third planet from the star we call the Sun, log back on to this Web site and provide a much more detailed commentary and explanation of why I adhere without question to all of the teachings and obey without hesitation all instructions received from the great and wise leaders of the Federation.

So here’s the commentary I must now publish by way of this primitive device called by the human creatures by the name computer and transmitted by primitive electrical pulses referred to as a god named In-Ter-Net who is worshiped in a temples called by the humans by the name Web of the World Wide:

Dear Great Leader of the Federation of Light:

Welcome to our planet. Please understand that my previous feeble attempts at humor and satire — which you with your much greater intelligence easily understood to be thinly veiled mockery of you and your beautiful daughter and wise messenger Blossom Goodchild — were the product of my ignorance, not my disrespect, O great rulers, O great lords of the universe to whom I bow in gratitude for your decision to not incinerate me instantly with your death ray, I offer all praise and humbly remain…

Your obedient servant,
N.D.

——————-

And here is a photo taken yesterday of me as I sat at my computer and met the Federation’s great and benevolent leader for the very first time:

https://i1.wp.com/faculty.maxwell.syr.edu/merupert/Jetson.jpg

A message to The Federation of Light

Look, I’m no fool, as readers of this Web site may or may not attest.

I can read and interpret statistics, especially when they pertain to me. So the way I interpret the hundreds of visits to my Web site to read a blog entry I posted last week about the impending visit by a space ship operated by the Federation of Light is that it’s in my best interests to write ANOTHER entry about the visit by the Federation of Light.

Which is supposed to happen today, when a huge spacecraft is predicted to appear in the skies over ALABAMA and stay there for three days and three nights.

Look, I’m no fool. I know that the day’s half done and so far no flying saucers have been reported over Alabama. I checked both CNN and Fox News, and neither one reported the arrival of the Federation’s ship.

But I also realize that the day’s still young. It’s too early to mock all of the folks who actually believed the message delivered by the seeress Blossom Goodchild.

So I’m hedging my bets. I’ve written two comments, and I’ll use the appropriate one after we see what happens today in Alabama.

Here’s the first one:

Dear Blossom Goodchild:

You do, realize, of course, that you’re totally what we used to call a space cadet? What do you say for yourself now that tens of thousands of gullible people who heard and believed your message are out on the street, have cashed in what’s left of their meager retirement nest eggs, are fearful about the future, and were looking to you and the Federation for….

Wait a minute. Wrong message. That’s the letter I planned to send to President Bush and The Congress…But you get my drift…

Here’s the second letter I’ve prepared:

Dear Great Leaders of the Federation of Light:

Welcome to our planet. Please understand that my previous feeble attempts at humor and satire — which you with your much greater intelligence easily understood to be thinly veiled mockery of you and your beautiful daughter and wise messenger Blossom Goodchild — were the product of my ignorance, not my disrespect, O great rulers, O great lords of the universe to whom I bow in gratitude for your decision to not incinerate me instantly with your death ray, I offer all praise and humbly remain…

Your obedient servant,

N.D.

——

So…

If the Federation of Light spaceships do not appear in the skies over (of all the places they could choose why would they choose) Alabama, then chances are excellent you’ll be reading something I’ve written about my daughter’s poodle, Noodle, and what Noodle has to do with the embarassing fact that yesterday I actually went to see the movie “Beverly Hills Chihuahua.”

If, on the other hand, Blossom Goodchild was right, and assuming I have not been vaporized by a heat ray, I will be here tomorrow with a much more detailed commentary and explanation of why I ashere without question all of the teachings and obey without hesitation all instructions from the great and wise leaders of The Federation of Light.

The Federation of Light

It’s all starting to fit together, like one big preordained Zen puzzle, like a good mystery with a surprise twist that you never suspected but makes absolutely perfect sense in retrospect.

It started when I read an article about a worldwide marathon reading of the Bible, starting with the Pope intoning “In the Beginning…” all the way through to some time next week when a cardinal in Rome will read the chapters of the Book of Revelations, which describes the Apocalypse.

I seize opportunity when I sees it. So I quickly wrote a satirical essay titled “Pale Horse, Pale Rider, Palin.”

Then CNN.com — possibly because it uses an automated search engine that prowls blogs for keywords and phrases but more likely because it was preordained by God as part of the sequence of events He’s planned for the End Times — picked up on my essay and linked to it on their European news page and the Associated Press article about the Pope kicking off that forementioned Bible-reading marathon.

God bless the Pope. God bless Sarah Palin. God bless St. John the Divine, who wrote the Book of Revelations. God bless all of you who are reading this. And God bless CNN because its link to my “Pale Horse, Pale Rider, Palin” essay led more than 100 people to my Web site in less than a day!

But despite that good news for Nicholas DiGiovanni’s World of Wonders, the stock market plummeted again today, dropping as much as 800 points during the course of the day, and you know the Book of Revelations has to have something in there that refers to bulls and bears and the “crash” at the end of days, and that there has to be something in there about Sarah Palin if you read between the lines, and that there’s also got to be some sort of cryptic reference in there to a “world of wonders.” But we need one more piece to complete this metaphysical puzzle. And this could be it:

The Internet is abuzz with the news that a medium named Blossom Goodchild has received a message from an alien race called the Federation of Light announcing that one of their huge spaceships will visit Earth next Tuesday, Oct. 14, and will hover for three days and three nights in the skies over the state of ALABAMA, which makes absolute sense if you think about it.

A rare video image of an Alabama alien
A rare video image of an Alabama alien

Here’s the link to Blossom Goodchild’s Web site, where you’ll find the complete text of the message she received from the Federation of Light:

http://www.blossomgoodchild.com/

Meanwhile, it’s too late for me to log into my 401(k) and switch from stocks to less-risky investment choices like government bonds and Treasury notes. But it’s not too late for me to post this to my Web site and hope that maybe the folks who run the Federation of Light’s Web site like it enough to include it in their blog links and maybe generate some intergalatic page visits to my site before the aliens arrive in Alabama and fry all of laptop computers with their heat-ray guns (see above).