Sarah Palin to the rescue!

One of the highest-traffic days ever for “Nicholas DiGiovanni’s World of Wonders” was a day during the presidential campaign when I wrote a satirical piece suggesting that Sarah Palin’s presence on the GOP ticket as the vice-presidential candidate was actually the fulfillment of the Book of Revelation’s apocalyptic vision as described in the secret message revealed by the opening of the Seventh Seal.

There were hundreds upon hundreds of page views and visitors (many of whom, I’m certain, thought the piece was factual, not satirical).

What did I learn?

One, that I guess I misread the Book of Revelation’s signs — Sarah didn’t get elected.

Two, I can draw many readers to my Web site (and its thought-provoking and eclectic mix of literary essays, humor pieces, cultural commentaries and original fiction) by once a week posting stuff I make up about Sarah Palin, who’s still out there running for something or other.

So here’s this week’s Sarah Palin report:

I rode out yesterday’s near-blizzard in New Jersey at a hotel located within a few hundred feet of the New Jersey Turnpike. At the height of the storm, I looked out at traffic crawling along that highway, saw a number of vehicles stranded in the breakdown lane — and there was SARAH PALIN, I’m assuming on the way to some Tea Party speaking engagement, and she was helping people dig out their cars and pushing them out of roadside snowbanks. She probably does stuff like this all the time when she’s up there in Alaska, but nevertheless it was really nice of her to take time off from her busy schedule to help people who were stranded by the snowstorm in New Jersey. She may actually have saved a few lives! I’m sure Sarah will be really low-key about her heroine-ism, but I think she deserves recognition.

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Pale horse, pale rider, Palin

The end is near. It’s got to be. If it isn’t, then why is the Pope on television kicking off a weeklong, worldwide marathon reading of the Bible? And why is Sarah Palin actually being taken seriously as a vice presidential candidate? I say expect the pale rider on the pale horse any minute now. Am I the only one who just noticed that Sarah Palin’s surname is PALE-in? Come to think of it, am I the only one who just realized that John McCain  is so pale and white-haired that he could pass for Johnny and Edgar Winter’s uncle?  

The pale rider on his pale horse, heading toward the finishing line
The pale rider on his pale horse, heading toward the finish line

Anyway, I’m assuming the Bible-reading marathon was inspired by the marathon readings of James Joyce’s “Ulysses” held every June 23 to mark “Bloomsday” or maybe the marathon readings held last year to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the publication of Kerouac’s “On the Road.”

According to the Associated Press:

Pope Benedict XVI’s “”In the beginning” started off a weeklong Bible-reading marathon on Italian television Sunday.  RAI state TV began its program called “”The Bible Day and Night,” with Benedict reciting the first chapter of the book of Genesis … the holy text’s opening verses about the creation of the world…The marathon will feature more than 1,200 people reading the Old and New Testament in over seven days and six nights…The Bible marathon is scheduled to end Oct. 5, when Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, the Vatican’s No. 2 official, will read the last chapter of the Apocalypse.

Like most people, my favorite part of the Book of Revelations is a toss-up between the part about the mark of the beast and the part about the great whore of Babylon. But my next-favorite part is where the seventh seal is opened to reveal that the two beasts are…well, let’s just get right to the point and note that an email I’ve received SEVERAL times in the last few months says careful reading of the Bible proves that Barack Obama is the anti-Christ and that the end times are at hand, and now we’ve got the second-ranking official at the Vatican reading about the Apocalypse in a nationwide TV broadcast and a second-rate second-ranking member of the GOP presidential ticket who believes that Alaska will be the refuge for all the true-believin’ Joe Six Packs and hockey moms when the Rapture comes, that Earth was created 6,000 years ago and that the Apocalypse will start in that gosh-darned Middle East.

“Drill, baby, drill?” Well, of course. It all makes sense now. If we don’t have good, old-fashioned American oil and natural gas, doggone it, then how the heck will we keep hell’s fires burning?